How thinking about needs helps me make decisions as a peaceful, respectful parent.
As a newish mom to a very self-determined toddler, I am confronted with conflicting needs on an almost hourly basis.
Some are an easy call: “I’m sorry, love, but I can’t let you run through the house holding Mama’s biggest knitting needle” or “Sure, I can stop texting your Grandma and read you a story right now”.
Others are more complicated, especially when you’re committed to being a parent who doesn’t use authoritarian parenting practices: “I know you want more cheese right now but you just ate three helpings and I’m not sure at which point we cross over into tummy-upset levels of dairy consumption,” or “I know you want to keep playing at the park but mama really needs to pee and if you want to walk by yourself it's going to take us a while to get home”.
As I learn to navigate the uncertain terrain of toddler emotions and limited verbal capacity, I’ve found it helpful to stop and consider the needs at play, taking a tough decision from the specific instance to the broader context of how it relates to the kind of mom I want to be (N.B. for matters of immediate safety, I am not advocating for a thought-out decision-making process, do what you need to do in the moment and take the time to reflect for next time once the danger is over).
By grouping these needs into three different categories I find I’m able to do a little mental analysis and assessment very quickly, establishing a hierarchy of needs that helps me make my decision.
What are her specific needs: which need(s) is she trying to meet with this behaviour/request? Is she seeking stimulation? Is she simply curious about something and wanting to try it? Is she bored? Is she needing my attention? Or does she just want this for its own sake (which is totally valid too)?
What are our shared needs: I mostly describe this to myself as my parental needs but they’re based on her broader needs for a happy and healthy childhood and home life. Things like needing to keep her safe, making sure she has clean clothes, offering her experiences that stimulate her development and challenge her in an appropriate manner etc.. In this category, I also include the needs of my partner and/or anyone else involved.
What are my own personal needs: these are my individual needs as a person. Things like needing to pee, feeling ‘touched out’, being bored or tired or feeling unwell. I don’t want my listing these last to see these as being less important, I think they are paramount in this process, but at the same time, the majority of the time, they are often less urgent than some of the other needs at play. When these needs are urgent, they need attention first because you can’t care for others if you yourself aren’t in a place that’s capable (i.e. the old ‘put your oxygen mask on yourself first’ analogy holds here). At the same time, however, in most cases, I can be more flexible about how and when my needs are going to be met and therefore they can be attended to after resolving the issue with my daughter.
I do find I usually consider these three areas in this order as it seems most logical to me but it’s such a quick mental process it really doesn’t matter what order it happens in when making a tough call.
The tricky part, I’ve found, is in how easy it is to let personal needs shade my assessment of the shared needs and hers. If I’m tired, I’m much more likely to think the easiest thing is what is best for everyone, and if I’m stressed about a specific topic, I have to watch that I don’t default to a scripted societal-norm parental decision because those spring easiest to mind. When this is the case, and I can catch myself doing it, I usually realize that I can find alternate ways to meet my needs that may also satisfy hers. Often, just recognizing my own need helps lessen its impact or urgency and makes me more able to resolve the conflict between it and everything else happening.
I also find that it can be challenging to correctly identify her need(s) as it often takes a moment of reflection beyond the immediate behaviour. When I’m able to see what she really is trying to get out of something, I’m better able to both decide about it and/or offer a suitable alternative that she may accept instead (i.e. if wanting non-stop TV time is about wanting stimulation, offering to read a book might work instead, but if it’s about wanting to see a specific show again no substitutions are going to appease that need).
Sometimes this process is a very quick mental process I can do in the moment and sometimes it’s a post-event reflection that I take on when I feel dissatisfied with how I handled something. This hindsight reflection can be very helpful both for the end product (making different decisions in the future) and also as a process that helps my perfectionist's brain let go of mistakes knowing that I have a plan to do better in the future.
No matter when I do it, this needs analysis model helps me clarify myself as a mother and the choices I want to be making so that as we move forward in this journey together, I feel confident and happy with the path we’re heading down.
